Well, “it” finally happened. The “it” hit the fan.
Our kids have been troopers. We have been working hard to not push them too hard, but we have been pushing it. When Jon and I got on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride yesterday, both of us harnessed with a baby and holding the hand of our bigger kids, the lady in front of me said, “You’re brave.”
Not brave. Probably more stupid. But thus far, as noted before, only minimal amounts of painful moments. But as if the Jaws music has been building beneath us, I knew we were an explosion waiting to happen.
And this morning it did. Our kids went to bed late last night. Too late. Way too late. Fireworks at Disney of course happen after dark and to get a glimpse of the magic, we pushed the limits on bedtime. And after trekking all over Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, all over kingdom come for the past few days, I could see in their eyes the fatigue.
Regardless they woke up before 7:00am despite the late bedtime last night. If I have learned one thing as a parent, it is this: Sleep begats sleep. The more they sleep, the more they sleep. Late to bed doesn’t mean they will sleep in. In fact, quite the opposite in our experience. Later to bed equals earlier to rise. Sometimes it’s worth it. Fireworks over the Cinderella Castle falls into this category of pushing deep into the night (like 9pm, which meant in bed at about 10pm, yikes!).
We struggled through breakfast and getting dressed. Much bickering between parent and child, child and child, and occasionally parent and parent. No massive explosions, just snarkiness. I think we are all tired. Somehow we were still planning on going to Epcot today (cue Jaws music). We have three other members of our entourage here with us in Florida—my mom (“Tutu”), Jon’s mom (“Sally”) and Jon’s other mom, his best friend’s mother (“Grandma Kathie”). Yes, we brought three fairy grandmothers with us to help us magically conquer Disney our four little dwarves (Sam aka “Cranky”; the twins aka “Hungry” and “Stinky” depending on the moment; and “Unbashful” aka guess who: Ms. Alice).
Well, the fairy grandmothers are entitled to have a little fun too. We hope they enjoy this trip on another level besides just being “The Help” to Jon and Kristina. Epcot is delightful for adults. Less rides, more food—you can eat your way around the world (Epcot is globe themed and has mini-country lands….sorta like Vegas but no women in sparkling bikinis serving drinks). Even though I sensed “it” was on the horizon, I thought Epcot might be perfect for today. Less rides, which means less lines, more space to let the kids run around the world, and maybe do a crepe and latte while they wear themselves out. Sounded doable.
Well, Kristina, they didn’t need to wear themselves out. The damage was already done. They were done before we even started.
Jon and I manage to wrangle all kids and get them dressed and fed. Not easy (Jaws music builds). We load them into their four carseats I our van rental (music builds). We are barreling down one of Florida’s many freeways and Charlie loses his bottle (it builds). I try and find my diaper bag only to realize it’s all the way in the back, so I unbuckle my seatbelt and climb to the back to retrieve it because I will need money for the road toll (it builds). I cuss. It was quiet, but it was there. Jon scolds me lovingly on behalf of my naughty chose of words—“no thank you Mommy” (it builds). Sam drops his Buzzlightyear toy as soon as I am rebuckled in the front seat (it builds). I try to explain to him he will have to wait for me to help him grab it (it builds).
Meanwhile, Alice is storing food in her cheeks like a chipmunk and has been since we left. This is a new “trick” of hers and we hate it. The oranges she has saved up begin to acid burn her mouth so she starts crying, slowly at first but quickly it begins to ramp up to a Steven Tyler scream. All through this crying spasm the masticated oranges remain in her mouth. Ironic—she’s going to choke on the very thing that is pissing her off. We yell at her, “Alice! Swallow your food!” (it builds). I need to pump before we get to the park and realize I somehow only grabbed one side of the breast pump parts. More cussing from Mommy and loving scolding from Daddy (it builds). As we head toward Disney for a day of “family fun” (cue Mommy sarcasm), Charlie is losing it because of his lost bottle, Sam is losing it because of his lost Buzz, Alice is silent crying with her chud in her mouth, and Mommy is losing her mind!!!! (Jaws theme peaks!) “It” is all over the car, kids are exploding everywhere. Child diarrhea (figuratively, thankfully not literally as well).
We are 1/2 a mile before the toll. “Do I really want to pay to do this.”I surrender—“Jon, I don’t wanna do this. It’s 9:30am and our kids are already all over the place. Can we give up?”
So we do. We call the fairy grandmothers. Not enough magic in the world will make this day go smoothly. Only naps in beds will fix this. We gotta clean up this mess. We do what every parent vows they will never do/say: “We are turning this car around and going home right now!” Although we didn’t really say that, we just did it. Bang a U-turn, turn around, we surrender. Kids, you win.
On the way home Jon DID utter the words I am sure he never envisioned coming out of his mouth. My sweet husband has a long long fuse. Very patient man, and good thing because the Lord has dealt him a challengine hand—he has to live with me and lots of small ones. Even when I said “I wanna go home,” I think he was willing to stay the course and make the most of it. But Alice with her now heaving sobs and her mouth still full of food, juice from the oranges dripping all over her chin, chest, chair… Jon says it: “Alice, if you don’t swallow your food I am going to pull this car over and spank you.” Bear in mind, this has been a battle with her for awhile, this food storing thing. We’ve been trying to nip it in the bud, or chud, as it were. She’s so gone that Jon ends up having to follow through on his promise. Pulls the car over, gets her out of her seat, talks to her about “playing with her food”, then the impending swat (Jaws music climaxes). Alice doesn’t get spanked very often. I don’t know if it’s cuz she’s our only daughter or what. Generally she’s pretty well behaved and a good listener. So you can imagine her broken heart when her dad, the love of her life, had to discipline her. These moments of parenting stink. Jon did the right thing, but so not fun.
Thankfully we surrendered within in 10 miles of our condo, so the cry fest on the way back was short-lived. I am so grateful we called an audible. This will be over soon. For the record, Mellow Max slept through all of this. Good job, kid.
We exploded out of the van, within 2 minutes Alice was in bed with a Binky, both twins were asleep with a warm bottle, and Sam was off to pool with Daddy to wrestle out some of his aggressions. He will collapse after his swim. Hooray for naps.
So no Epcot. But right now Mommy is having a much needed quiet time on a lounge chair in the sun. Ahhh. Much needed clean up in Room 1308.
